Archive for May, 2011


She waited for him as the sun went down
Beneath a moonlit sky
And carved his name in blood red ink
Across her pale skinned thigh

~ Me


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Follow the star

I’ve never understood depression. I know sadness like the back of my hand. I know fear like yesterday, its memory brushing the edges of my life constantly in dreams..

I was eight years old holding my breath praying to an entity I no longer believe in there in the darkness to keep me safe. I remember the little prayer I made up like I wrote it yesterday
Dear God,
Please don’t let him drink again. Please take all the robbers and murderers away. Don’t let anyone hurt me in my sleep. Please protect me.
I remember being petrified to look out of the window.
I remember being petrified of being locked away again
I remember being petrified of not being locked away
Mostly I remember always being petrified
Or bruised and ashamed
Or petrified
What a horrible existence for a child
Is that depression?

As I outgrew the physical and emotional bruises of the darkness I crafted a life for myself. I realise now the life I crafted was the one I had wanted to be a part of as a little girl. The perfect family,the warm safe dark and violence free home.
This world I made bandaged my past like a holiday in the sun stains white skin into believing life has never been better nor ever could be.
I believed love could save me.. and for a while it did.

I am scarred deeply though, flawed inside and out and no matter what creatures of perfection I have created or how deeply I have outwardly loved.. what I need to heal my insides seems somewhere over the rainbow.
I am face against the glass window and only darkness smiles back.
Is that depression?

Is this because all my plans for perfection are coming apart at the seams, walls falling down around me?
So much of my life is beautiful and yet…
I no longer want what I crafted and dreamed

I want love that exists on the other side of the moon
To run from this darkness that is dragging me under with its gripping insomnia and needle like addiction

Is this depression? Is this where people start to drink or be angry or consider suicide? because i don’t feel any of those things. I simply feel….

I don’t have the poetry
Or the inclination

I don’t have depression I say aloud. i just need to sleep.

Inside and outside darkness
The little girl inside reminds me what nanna said..
As I try and breathe and remember… to follow the star


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I stand at the easle
Sketch your face in charcoal
I want you to notice me as I am
Messy ringlets in my hair
Imperfect form in love with you
Standing naked scars bare
I splash crimson across your face
Blue lands on your shoulders
Sea of jade I paint at your feet
A vanilla flavoured kiss
Smeared against your lips
I want you to want me
Despite my deeply etched flaws
Turn all my pages
Inhale them as a lover
Yearn to scour the coatings off
Raw parchment making love
Amid the silent colourful language of time
Becomes the artist
I stand at the easel
Swirling your face in my dreams
Watch as I leave you
Undeniably marked
Every angle of me
Hangs as a portrait in your mind
Blindly you stare
You see my edges
I dream that you know my insides
I sketch my heart in charcoal
Place it in your hands
I want you to see me as I am
Colouring our days
Asking questions with my silence
My brush stains blue against your eyes
Imperfect form in love with you
Waiting for you to notice
I stand at the easel


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Falling Down

I lay down in the darkness
Letting it fall upon me like a lover…
Penetrating my flesh
Consuming with seductive persuasion.
I feel it engulf
Like a thick cloud of desire…
It takes me somewhere,and leaves no trail to follow home.
It is my memory
My soul remembering the haven of your arms…
Inhaling you as your love stains my skin with irreversable longing.
It is not however, my memory that reigns the forever tainted insomniac…
Rather my every breath
Governed by that deeply moving film
That plays in regardless repetition at the back of my long closed eyes.
Missing you is inevitable
For your scent lingers upon my skin
Your warm and languid touch still resting against my body…
Are you even aware ?
I wonder quietly
As loving you consumes me….
And as each past day without you has endlesly proven
I begin…
Falling Down

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For all the noise on the outside
My heart is quiet
As I stroke my pen across the page
Forming words with delicate yet brazen lines
That really
Are whispers across to where you are
And which…
All I ever wanted
was for you to understand


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I felt you closer than this
I heard you long before you came
For you were still
I , eternally restless
Engaged continuously in flight
Breath against my neck
I fell into you from far far away
The seasons came and went around us
Touch, a gift we were yet to learn
No boundary though times passage
Miles of distance
Nor fate
I felt you more than real
In my veins you threaded wishes
Whispered secrets
Carved our dreams
I was the butterly to all your inner magic
Hovering aside your thoughts for years
I felt you naked like this
Quintessential beauty you pollenated my world
Taught me all I’ve ever feared
All I’ve ever yearned for
In a whisper
Conviction, Passion
A kaleidescope of love
Long before time allowed us gracious decadence
That first time
Most beautifully coloured
When you captured my whole
With your kiss


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I shiver
As you trickle over the back of my hand
No pouring over limbs
You arrive quietly
Slowly I become aware
You wish me to bathe in you
Holding my breath
I spread my fingers as you pool there
In my thoughts
You become an ocean
Swim Sink Drown my mind tells my heart
While my heart sings
Float away….
Then I shiver
As you trickle over the back of my hand


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