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Archive for November, 2010

Eyes Wide Shut

Standing here I want to see you

Then I don’t

For I want to see you with me adoration staining your skin

My reflection painted across that violet tinted sky

The one I painted for you, standing on your bed,bare feet against your shoulders ..paint dripping in your hair

See the pointed stars I formed..brush in hand heart in mouth ?

I have covered your ceiling in my love

Your body with my desires

Your heart with my own

These are the dreams I have with eyes wide shut

They don’t exist there.. no matter they stand so decorated for you have eyes only for me

I am beautiful, enchanting.. fulfilling all your endless needs

I am bare, vulnerable, translucent.. and you see how I ache

They are plain grey against my dark red mouth that covers yours in kisses numbing your lips and making you sway

You no longer hear them whilst they call

Begging your attentions

For I dance around you and speak in magic that drowns your every sense

I want to see you

Then I don’t

Reality too real a curse I turn away

My love for you reigns in close proximity

In poetry and daydreams

And here

With eyes wide shut

~Me

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Of Rainbows

My world is filling with the colours of you.

Drowning the grey background of sadness with the offering of your laughter which falls like gentle rain of pastel magic.

It coats my vulnerability and makes me resiliant to regret… to lost days and fallen tears.

It covers me with soft hues of heartwarming tones and protects me with pinks and blues and greens and sunny yellow moments crafted by the gift of your hand in mine.

I am dreaming of rainbows… and laying warm against your skin.

 I am walking in spaces I dare only to imagine. I am closing my eyes tightly… photosensitivity becoming a negative distraction as the vibrant realisation of everything you are surrounds me and I yearn to be blind.

Existing only to feel you from my inside out.  Your pastel rain falling against my naked form,washing over me.

Drowning slowly in you, I am the quintessential chameleon stained by your embrace…and here in my gallery of moments with you,your face is set in my destiny…and for this magic to remain I dare not open my eyes..

~Me

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Intrusions

Those that know me well know that one of my favourite assumptions about myself is that “I really don’t like people”.   Those that know me well also find this strange as I am frequently described as sweet, attentive, friendly and nurturing..

I am selective with these traits though and in general at any level other than brief or forced communications I mostly don’t like a lot of people. In the way some people say you will either love.. or hate a film I am mostly that way with the human race.

This doesn’t mean I’m anti social.. in fact quite the opposite.. I find this hard to explain even to myself.. so maybe I just have to be in the mood?

If I like you, chances are I love you and if I don’t like you I am either totally indifferent or really do dislike you a LOT. With me there has never really been much in between

The phone just rang… some telemarketer started to ramble about solar panels as I felt my temperature rise at the intrusion to my (finally) quiet moment at the end of a busy day. Without thought I put the phone down. I am forced to think about it now though as I sit here feeling guilty and rude for hanging up and most definately bad person -ish..

He is probably working the night shift to feed his young family. He is probably …

Well a million things go through my head and have totally ruined my peace in dressing me as guilty and unkind and once again not a lover of “the people”.

Humanity in general is intrusive though as we stumble over one another .

What then is friendship? When we decide we actually want to like someone.. hmmm

Humans annoy me… or maybe Iam just annoyed I don’t like everyone

The phone rings again

Quietly I thank the gods for caller ID

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Sweeter Than Sixteen

Wrapped in a blanket her tiny wings barely visible I held her close and breathed her in. Until this day I had never realised my heart could live outside my body. I never thought I could love anything more than…

I would nurture her, Paint her rainbows and show her the stars. Read to her of mystery and music and daydreams and magic . Her eyes would see through my eyes…

I sang her to sleep. Hand in mine she took her first steps.. wasn’t that yesterday?

Time moved slowly once… for the babe & the mother fae

Until those tiny wings spread

Her colours blossomed

Honey coloured hair tumbled down her back and her voice rose above the meadow and she was beautiful and she was part of me and she was all of her…

And all at once.. she was

” Kiah
Meaning -From the beautiful place
Australian-Aboriginal Name”

And I was entranced and lost and joyful all at once and held her close and whispered

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel..

I named you well

^!^

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Real Life

In an imagined existance I see myself as creative, balanced and intune. Reality though scatters my being left right and rarely ever centered.

Reading a post on a favourite site of mine that goes on to discuss that ~ The underlying assumption of the modern world seems to be that the future will be a continuation of the past – only brighter, better, with even better technology, more virtual, faster, 3D and more of everything. For some, it’s enticing. For others, it’s despairing; we become increasingly detached from the living world as we give our attention, time and energy to the cyber realm ~

I find I agree..

Where is the neighbour dropping round for a coffee?  Where is that card in the mail box?

Everyone is twittering and facebooking and no one has time to come for dinner anymore because they are off playing some “fake world” game..

How did I end up here as well?

Time to pick up my guitar again.. learn French.. and start saving to get to Italy.  Why am I learning French to go to italy?   Don’t ask…

In the real world I spent four years learning Italian only to only ever get as far as Indonesia where it was entirely useless..

Yes, I am random..

Today I have decided to try and return to being me.. whoever that is. I decide that the first step to this is to reconnect with friends I seem to have drifted from being that we are not connected on facebook or other modern mediums.  I decide this while shopping for craft glue, card stock, paint,blu tack,crayons and other “essentials to being a creative parent”  hence “fostering a creative spirit in ones child”  items on my way home from (suffering mother guilt) said paid job.

Scattering my dining room table with craft items, ignoring housework and actually phoning (no not texting) an old friend.. have all made me feel I am doing my part in being balanced, finding myself and saving the earth..

Reading about the state of the environment,sick children and dying animals has made me feel restless and guilty about a career in an indulgent industry and now my mind drifts from the craft projects to some kind of course in community welfare..

I read about a local community garden and wonder how I could fit that into work, mothering, stressing and trying to be me..

I guess this is real life

I could scream.. however..

No one is really listening they are all wired to the net

Balanced is a fantasy away…

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