Archive for May, 2010

Treading Water

Reading Eat Pray Love I recognise so much of myself already in the first couple of chapters. That line “I have actively participated in the creation of this life” So , so true…
That desperate love she speaks of, the all consuming love affair I know it so well because I have lived it, am living it… yet I stand one foot outside of happiness and real peace because it has betrayed all my dreams and expectations so many times. It wasn’t the fairytale I yearned for any more than dressing up in white satin, Lilys in hand, brought me what it promised in every cinderella story I read heard or dreamed up as a child.
I loved you so desperately and yet…
Reading Eat Pray Love is making me recognise I am just treading water and still have no idea how to swim
You have to read eat Pray Love said my best friend of over 20 years… Oh my God I said, I just bought it last week… I guess that’s how those “best friend” relationships are. You know each other inside out and back again.. without though the complications of sex and jealousy and fear. So much of me knows I want that from love…. yet love is so intertwined with too many other emotions
An old cliche’ is I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know how to get out of here.. I wondered where it came from then I realised I wrote it about a year ago in another long sad description of me . Wandering around in circles just wanting to be held I thnk about all the things I need to be able to breathe..
I don’t think I really believe in God. I think so many years of growing up being told I have to and praying so hard in the darkness to a God that never came to save me as a child killed that one. I can’t say that aloud though, no one wants to hear about child abuse, it makes people uncomfortable and it makes me look stained…
I am no longer sure of everything I thought I believed in. What do I tell my children when they ask me ? I’m not sure I can even tell them who I am..
I hope as I continue to read my new book I feel better than I do right now about me….

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Nothing really changes… as I read backwards I realise I’m not going forward, but rather round in circles, in a pool of tears and frustration and waiting to fall… and lost… lost without you near…   

My breath makes a pattern on the glass
I write your name
Hand on the telephone
I want to touch your skin
Lay against the velvet
Of my dream
I am all alone
Empty house,silent walls
Staring at the ceiling
I close my eyes…..

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