Archive for April, 2010


I wonder if you ever get over certain fears.. like if as a child you were locked in the dark could you ever not fear that sort of thing happening again?  Or if you really really loved someone and they betrayed you could you ever think they wouldn’t do it again? Or is fear something that always stays with you? Maybe it’s just human nature.. to expect the expected and not actually fear at all. Maybe fear is just a word that stands for that, and not the entity that makes your heart race…
Maybe there is a universe where everything begins again like reincarnation I guess… and fear travels with you.. so it’s just a memory and not really a fear.. does that make sense? No I don’t think so…
I’m starting to see why other  people rely on alcohol.. but of course that is something I have a fear of.. what it represents, what it can change..
that is definately a memory I brought with me from a past life… no question
I think I should just stick to writing…

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I once wrote a poem that had a line in it that read something like.. sometimes when you are right near me you are the furthest away.. or something like that anyway.
All I ever feel at the moment is far away. I feel like I am living two lives and neither of them real. I don’t feel as if I fit into either at the moment either which is an even more disturbing thing. I don’t want to be in family photos anymore Is my family just me and the children? I made them after all. if I love you are you going to love my children as if they are your family? I’m really not sure about that.. I’m really not even sure if you will still love me next week.. I guess that comes from loving you so badly so long and being hurt so many times. I guess in the back of my mind i’m stil waiting for you to walk away again. I guess in the back of my mind I am scared to let myself love now.. where once I loved so freely I am so cautious now.. how sad is that? from me… for i loved without restraint so long.. the quintessential believer in forever love now has one foot at all times ready at the edge of the door.
I guess I’m just lonely… or something

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Simple Things

Making home made pizzas I realised that J would be horrified if he saw how badly (and how many times) I attempted to make the bases look right.
What is the use though of having a chef for a friend if he is in another country right now.  Looking at my lumpy pizza bases I guess that’s a good thing, despite how good they tasted.
The kids were impressed. Not so much by the making of pizzas but the fact I was home on a Thursday night to watch certain TV shows. I guess in life, really, when you look at it closely love is always the driving force in everything you do and it’s the simple things that show and grow this love like the kids rushing to the door excited to see me home with ingredients and promise of a family project that make it all seem worthwhile.
I -mailed Geoff last night, trying to be as polite as possibe.. not use words like asshole and dickhead which were running through my head and asked him about the possibility of listing the house from an investors perspective. He will probably get his back up about me telling him how to do his job and offering marketing tag lines to top it off but I want to move fast and every day is a wasted day despite solicitors and legalities and tenants.
I told him to offer the tenant a rent reduction and offer the house for sale as an investment property currently let at blah blah blah
Hold your breath people for what I envisage as a curt and narky response … however perhaps the universe will provide me with some slight joy today who knows.
I can’t wait to be free, for the houses to be sold and be somewhere else in a much shinier happy place away from bad memories and stressful living
I feel it close now, I can taste it, breathe it.. and through my tears it’s somehow almost making me smile
Like I said.. it’s all about love & the simple things…

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Today I am struggling with trusting the universe to provide it gets better with every minute. and the rawness of the healing process from past hurt and lessons

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I guess I feel scared right now. Happiness really hasn’t been my friend the past few years and wallowing in sadness or some other state of angst has become so normal that now when I’m happy I guess I’m scared it’s about to come undone.
For the first time in about two years I really feel like I trust him and he really loves me..
Maybe he loved me all along? But maybe he diddn’t, and maybe he just settled because I never let go?
How will I ever know the truth?
Why now, when I am so happy do I have to sit here and think about it
Why am I waiting to come undone and fall down
Why do I feel about to run because I’m so totally scared to give it my all and stay?
I really don’t know… I guess that’s called scared..
I wish I had something to write about that was entertainment and made people smile or something that was brilliant and feigned me as smart..
I don’t though..  and I miss him already… scared he will forget.. scared he will wander off again… scared scared scared..
And going nowhere with my silly random thoughts hanging round my head like bells….

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