Archive for January, 2009


I need to go and find me some sun
In the shape of a smile….

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We are there
You & I
And I will….
Slip away
I have swum long in your sea
Polishing your shells
Resting against the bottom
Dependable my loving you
I need you right now
For things other than what you perceive
Material things
My flesh
Are useless gifts over time
Only my heart is of value to you
If that does not matter
You will watch it slip away
The slipstream
Out of my controll…..

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Girl Things

I have realised that I have a lot of girl things
Like drawers full
Ribbons.. Jewellery… skincare…
Lots and lots of girly things
Tonight I washed my hair
So of course it was wet
I then dried it with the hairdryer
So of course then it felt dry
So then I sprayed it with leave in conditioner
Which of course made it wet
I don’t need a man to tell me…
That only a girl would do that
A girl thing

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There are people that want to get inside my head
They are the ones..
Here and there on my "friends list"
Mostly I only have friends on my friends list but recently on myspace I have added some new people.. potential new friends I guess
I mean.. weren’t my friends once on the other side of the list also?
When was it that I became so insular so protective and gaurded?
I used to be carefree and open…
I think maybe I’m now burned and Cindered and maybe well.. exhausted?
There are now people disecting my thoughts and wanting to get inside my head..
Subsequently annoyed when I reply in elusive jargon ( as I have just been advised)
Honestly unintentional…
As whatever is in my head is unexplainable even for me
Or maybe I just like to keep it that way?
Anyway… all this penetration is interesting…
I will continue to observe and decide if I’ve made any friends I guess…
I was once a really nice friendly person.
Maybe she’s in here somewhere….

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My ritual of late
Is amongst the birds that come to sit and wait for me
I send peices of myself across the valley
Stare forward and lose myself in thought
When I am gone what will you say about me?
What will anyone say?
I think..
Too often of late
Too often for a mother with the responsibility to stay
My smile mingles with that cloak of sadness
As nightly I struggle to sleep to breathe
To remember your scent
Here now I must focus on this day this afternoon
As the birds wait and I scatter their seed
It keeps me breathing
As I wait for you
Knowing you’re never coming home
I have visions of the pages of my book
Blowing over and over and over
Left open on someones table
Will you say I loved her once?
She wrote about me..
From the day we met till the end of her days
Insane she was
Collecting animals and children and seashells
Painting portaraits of broken hearts and dreams
Faded jeans and yellow roses
Antique thoughts struggle in my modern day world
A ritual of laying out tomorrow
Covered with all the love I can muster from today
The birds wait and remind me
Nothing I know makes sense at all
And you’ll probably be kind and say I was almost beautiful….
But definatly

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Things That hurt

Life is hard a lot of the time. I don’t know why that is because I have so much to be thankful for. I spoke to Rob about this and he said it’s old wounds that never heal…maybe he’s right.. or maybe there are just new things to hurt every day. I’m one of those fragile vulnerable girls.. I wish I wasn’t…
Little things… Just hurt so so much 😦

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I haven’t written here for a while
Sometimes I am open
Sometimes insular
Sometimes even I…
get sick of reading my intense publications of the heart

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